I can't take talking to her. The mother of my kids, does not know how to speak nicely. she talks down to me, my kids, my family.
She uses the kids and child support and court against me. everytime we fight, she runs down n files for child support. She has fucked up mycredit, my head, my everything. I have had thoughts of suicide, thoughts of committing myself. Thoughts of running away.
I dont know what to do anymore. I need to see a conseler or something someone to talk to, to get through this. To get me on meds. I can not lose these kids. they are my EVERYTHING. No matter how i fuck up, i have never intentionally fucked up. Its my head, i get jumbled thoughts overwhelming me. depressing thoughts. i cant concentrate. I find myself behind the wheel, not realizing im driving at all. or how long ive been driving. i get lost for an entire night just driving. I get accussed of doing drugs, or cheating on her. I for one, have never done Coke, abused pills, never done heroine.. I have abused alchohol, and i have smoked pot 2 maybe 3 times at most. I get accused of cheating. WEll I am not a cheater. No matter what she sais, or thinks, despite how i show my love, i do love her. Something inside of me, when we are fighting, or when im depressed, makes me pull away. its hard to explain without a professional asking me the right questions to figure out whats going on in my head. This is why i am just spewing my oral Diareah of the mouth onto this blog. It doesnt matter who reads it.
There is so much shit going on in my life. Work is unstable, my life is unstable, I make good money, but have very poor spending habbits. I lost my truck to repossession. Im always late on the rent. I cant seem to make the right choices at all. It is really dragging me down. Bills and money and supporting my kids are always on my mind. I do what i can, and am trying to get back on track. So finances is stressing me
Not seeing my kids in 3 days is KILLING me, they are my everything. I talk to laurie on the phone,a nd here the kids in the background. I wish i was there.
No car to get tehre, and even if i had a car to get there, i dont exactly know if shed let me see them.
There is no court order yet for visitation, but i am sure she is going to take me for all the money she could get from me, and screw me out of seeing them.
She sais my oldest is fucked up in the head from me not coming home randomly throughtout the year. She makes the kids call my parents house and leave voice mails (talk about brain washing the kids, and psych warfare on my family) She tells my kids that i dont want them,i dont want to be with them. It is not the case at all.
The kids drive her nuts, lately shes been saying she wants her mom to take the kids for good because she doesnt want them at all.
She accusess me of doing nothing at home. Im working 10hr days, pay the rent, finally catching up on utilities, trying to get the cable back on for the kids. and BAMM something happens, a new bill comes up.
This blogging shit is a usefull outlet, now if only someone would read it. Maybe i could give the link to a shrink when i find one. thats it for now
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