I can't take talking to her. The mother of my kids, does not know how to speak nicely. she talks down to me, my kids, my family.
She uses the kids and child support and court against me. everytime we fight, she runs down n files for child support. She has fucked up mycredit, my head, my everything. I have had thoughts of suicide, thoughts of committing myself. Thoughts of running away.
I dont know what to do anymore. I need to see a conseler or something someone to talk to, to get through this. To get me on meds. I can not lose these kids. they are my EVERYTHING. No matter how i fuck up, i have never intentionally fucked up. Its my head, i get jumbled thoughts overwhelming me. depressing thoughts. i cant concentrate. I find myself behind the wheel, not realizing im driving at all. or how long ive been driving. i get lost for an entire night just driving. I get accussed of doing drugs, or cheating on her. I for one, have never done Coke, abused pills, never done heroine.. I have abused alchohol, and i have smoked pot 2 maybe 3 times at most. I get accused of cheating. WEll I am not a cheater. No matter what she sais, or thinks, despite how i show my love, i do love her. Something inside of me, when we are fighting, or when im depressed, makes me pull away. its hard to explain without a professional asking me the right questions to figure out whats going on in my head. This is why i am just spewing my oral Diareah of the mouth onto this blog. It doesnt matter who reads it.
There is so much shit going on in my life. Work is unstable, my life is unstable, I make good money, but have very poor spending habbits. I lost my truck to repossession. Im always late on the rent. I cant seem to make the right choices at all. It is really dragging me down. Bills and money and supporting my kids are always on my mind. I do what i can, and am trying to get back on track. So finances is stressing me
Not seeing my kids in 3 days is KILLING me, they are my everything. I talk to laurie on the phone,a nd here the kids in the background. I wish i was there.
No car to get tehre, and even if i had a car to get there, i dont exactly know if shed let me see them.
There is no court order yet for visitation, but i am sure she is going to take me for all the money she could get from me, and screw me out of seeing them.
She sais my oldest is fucked up in the head from me not coming home randomly throughtout the year. She makes the kids call my parents house and leave voice mails (talk about brain washing the kids, and psych warfare on my family) She tells my kids that i dont want them,i dont want to be with them. It is not the case at all.
The kids drive her nuts, lately shes been saying she wants her mom to take the kids for good because she doesnt want them at all.
She accusess me of doing nothing at home. Im working 10hr days, pay the rent, finally catching up on utilities, trying to get the cable back on for the kids. and BAMM something happens, a new bill comes up.
This blogging shit is a usefull outlet, now if only someone would read it. Maybe i could give the link to a shrink when i find one. thats it for now
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
First Blog
Hello, welcome to my blog.
This is my first entry, I am going to make it quick.
I have been suffering from depression for a while now, i always say that i suffer from it, have to seek any real sort of help for it. But now I am in desperate need of it. I cant tell you how i feel right now.
Let me start off with a little background.
Im 27 years old, have (well probably more like HAD) a great girlfriend Laurie. Together we have 3 children. This depression, this feeling that i have, has been around for a while, but recently it seems to be getting worse.
I have a feeling of depression, emptyness. No feeling of self worth. My mind is all jumbled up, overloading itself, and i cant even concentrate. I often find myself, just driving, for hours and hours. Not realizing where I am driving, or even how long I have been driving for.
I often don't come home at night, and i am accused of Doing drugs, or cheating, or this that and the other.
For the most part those accusations are completely false. WEll, that is, Until yesterday 10/10/08. When i was arrested for patronizing a prostitute. Yup, you read it correctly. Let me just tell you, Union Ave Station in New HAven is a horrible place to be, and i dont ever plan on going back. So back to this arrest, It is a little bit fuzzy to me, as I really dont remember much of the night at all. I left the house to get ciggarettes , then food from mcDonalds, and diapers for the kids at Walmart.
I leave the gas station, figure ill run over to walmart first, then get McDonalds right after walmart. Quick and easy right?
WRONG!
I don't know what made me do it, hell i dont even know where i got the idea, but i drove down ferry street instead of quinnipiac. And thats where everything gets fuzzy. MY head was already a mess, after a 10hr day at work, cashing my paycheck, and then turning alll of my paycheck except for $76 over to the landlord. So in the course of about 45 mins, i had gone from $1087 in my hand to $76. Then buy my pack of ciggaretts and WHAM! $70. Still didnt get gas for the week yet either. Oh great. This might have been what casused everything. But once i left the gas station, my head starting doing that thing.
So many thoughts, emotions, fears, whatever they are. Started filling my head. I honestly cant tell you how long i drove for, what i drove for, where i drove. Hell I cant tell you much of anything other than, i know i was wrong, i know i was arrested, i know it has cost me my entire family.
I am trying to get to the bottom of this depression and anxiety that fills my head. I do not know where to start, but it is afftecting my home life, (well i have no home life now, i have been asked to leave my house, my girlfriend, and my 3 beautiful kids) It also keeps me from work sometimes, where i find i have been set off, and totally forget about work and just drive all day.
Being in jail last night did not help at all.
I thought my mind was jumbled when i was driving, well iin jail, when your in a tshirt, sitting or laying on a cold metal bed in a cold cement cell and you cant fall asleep alot of things run through your head.
Why am i here, what made me do these things, how can i put my family through this, Why am i such a piece of shit, maybe my family would be better off without me? all theese things driving me nuts.
Its sad to say, with Chronic depression running in the family, an Uncle who killed himself over depression, a father who has depression, and a mother whos depression i have caused, i can say that i have thought of suicide. Contemplated it. and to be honest with you, if i didnt have the 3 beautiful kids that i have, if it was just me, with no family to leave behind, i probably have contemplated it more. But i would never leave my family like that.
I have made alot of bad choices in my life, hell thats all my life is is bad choice after bad choice. My arresst was one of stupidity, with no explination, if i could remember anything about that night other than i wwas completely misserable then i would definatly tell you. All I know is i need some serious help. YPI, or Medication, conseler. I don't know.
I do know, i will never live this arresst down, and i dont even know if i will find the help i am looking for. But here i am, on my knees praying for the strength to get my life in order, to get the help i need. Hopefully someone reaches out to me to help me to my feet.
This is my first entry, I am going to make it quick.
I have been suffering from depression for a while now, i always say that i suffer from it, have to seek any real sort of help for it. But now I am in desperate need of it. I cant tell you how i feel right now.
Let me start off with a little background.
Im 27 years old, have (well probably more like HAD) a great girlfriend Laurie. Together we have 3 children. This depression, this feeling that i have, has been around for a while, but recently it seems to be getting worse.
I have a feeling of depression, emptyness. No feeling of self worth. My mind is all jumbled up, overloading itself, and i cant even concentrate. I often find myself, just driving, for hours and hours. Not realizing where I am driving, or even how long I have been driving for.
I often don't come home at night, and i am accused of Doing drugs, or cheating, or this that and the other.
For the most part those accusations are completely false. WEll, that is, Until yesterday 10/10/08. When i was arrested for patronizing a prostitute. Yup, you read it correctly. Let me just tell you, Union Ave Station in New HAven is a horrible place to be, and i dont ever plan on going back. So back to this arrest, It is a little bit fuzzy to me, as I really dont remember much of the night at all. I left the house to get ciggarettes , then food from mcDonalds, and diapers for the kids at Walmart.
I leave the gas station, figure ill run over to walmart first, then get McDonalds right after walmart. Quick and easy right?
WRONG!
I don't know what made me do it, hell i dont even know where i got the idea, but i drove down ferry street instead of quinnipiac. And thats where everything gets fuzzy. MY head was already a mess, after a 10hr day at work, cashing my paycheck, and then turning alll of my paycheck except for $76 over to the landlord. So in the course of about 45 mins, i had gone from $1087 in my hand to $76. Then buy my pack of ciggaretts and WHAM! $70. Still didnt get gas for the week yet either. Oh great. This might have been what casused everything. But once i left the gas station, my head starting doing that thing.
So many thoughts, emotions, fears, whatever they are. Started filling my head. I honestly cant tell you how long i drove for, what i drove for, where i drove. Hell I cant tell you much of anything other than, i know i was wrong, i know i was arrested, i know it has cost me my entire family.
I am trying to get to the bottom of this depression and anxiety that fills my head. I do not know where to start, but it is afftecting my home life, (well i have no home life now, i have been asked to leave my house, my girlfriend, and my 3 beautiful kids) It also keeps me from work sometimes, where i find i have been set off, and totally forget about work and just drive all day.
Being in jail last night did not help at all.
I thought my mind was jumbled when i was driving, well iin jail, when your in a tshirt, sitting or laying on a cold metal bed in a cold cement cell and you cant fall asleep alot of things run through your head.
Why am i here, what made me do these things, how can i put my family through this, Why am i such a piece of shit, maybe my family would be better off without me? all theese things driving me nuts.
Its sad to say, with Chronic depression running in the family, an Uncle who killed himself over depression, a father who has depression, and a mother whos depression i have caused, i can say that i have thought of suicide. Contemplated it. and to be honest with you, if i didnt have the 3 beautiful kids that i have, if it was just me, with no family to leave behind, i probably have contemplated it more. But i would never leave my family like that.
I have made alot of bad choices in my life, hell thats all my life is is bad choice after bad choice. My arresst was one of stupidity, with no explination, if i could remember anything about that night other than i wwas completely misserable then i would definatly tell you. All I know is i need some serious help. YPI, or Medication, conseler. I don't know.
I do know, i will never live this arresst down, and i dont even know if i will find the help i am looking for. But here i am, on my knees praying for the strength to get my life in order, to get the help i need. Hopefully someone reaches out to me to help me to my feet.
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